Jon Kitna: Comedic Genius

As a resident of the great city of Detroit, I enjoy a wide variety of local sports reporting. With four major professional teams (yes, I'm counting hockey, but only because the Red Wings are one of the few relevant NHL teams left), the University of Michigan, and Michigan State all within a short drive, something is always happening.

The Red Wings and Pistons are perennial contenders, the Tigers are enjoying a recent revival, and even the Lions (the Lions??) look like they might make their first postseason appearance this millenium. Michigan is never quite good enough to meet expectations and the Spartans always seem to raise expectations to a completely unrealistic level before falling back down to the mid-tier-Big-Ten-level team that they are.

One unfortunate side effect of living in such a sports-crazed city is that sometimes the media trips over itself trying to make a story out of nothing. Take the case of Jon Kitna, or God's Quarterback, as he has come to be known. For those of you don't know the story of Joe Cullen, allow me to fill you in:

Detroit Lions assistant coach Joe Cullen was arrested last year on charges of driving through a Wendy's drive-through. Naked. How does that even happen? Reports are unclear as to Mr. Cullen's 'mental state' at the time of the incident, but I think we can infer that alcohol was a key contributor. Oh, and a week later, he was pulled over again for drunk driving. Talk about not learning your lesson.

This past weekend, God's Quarterback decided to dress up as a naked Joe Cullen for a teammate's charity Halloween party. Note that his wife also gets into the act as a Wendy look-alike. My only complaint with this decision is that I did not think of it first. But Detroit Free Press columnist Drew Sharp, among others, has decided that this is absolutely unacceptable.

Drew Sharp proceeds to claim in his column that Jon Kitna should be ashamed for bringing this embarrassing chapter of Joe Cullen's life back into the spotlight. Ironic, because I did not find out about the incident until I read Mr. Sharp's column! If Drew Sharp feels so strongly that Joe Cullen's feelings need to sheltered and protected, why write a detailed column bringing up the very issue? Who has done more to bring attention to this issue, Jon Kitna's costume at a private team function, or a column with hundreds of thousands of readers that recounts the gory details of the story?

In any case, I wonder if Mr. Sharp is familiar with the concept of Halloween. Husband and wife duo poking fun at someone for unexpected nudity? Hilarious. I mean, even the wife gets in on the act. This overlooked detail makes the costume that much more hilarious. Just because I dress up as Tony Montana doesn't mean I support drug trafficking or wish to mock the entire Cuban race. I do it because it's Halloween and that's what the fuck you're supposed to do on Halloween.

Perhaps it is this sentimentality that led the Downy-soft Lions to seven consecutive playoff-less seasons, and no playoff wins since 1991. Jon Kitna is taking this team on his back and willing them to the playoffs, with no room for Sharp's crybaby ass.